If you're well into religion and that, stop reading now. You're not going to like any of this.
So I was chatting with a friend a couple of months ago - the previously mentioned, Scott - and somehow the exchange headed in this direction.
At their core, almost the entire gamut of religious writing are works of pure fiction. The Bible, the Koran, the Book of Mormon: just a collection of stories. I'm not calling them lies. 'Lies' implies that their intent is to deceive. I actually believe that there was a man call 'Jesus' and a man called 'Mohammed' and that they were genuinely pleasant people. I also believe that the books which serialise them are based on real events, but I don't believe that they hold any more significance other than figuratively.
People read these books as if they were naught but fact and live their lives according to what they teach. I don't personally believe that these books are inherently wrong, or backwards. Quite the opposite. They have a lot of good stuff to say. It does however, seem ludicrous to base your ethics, your morals, your entire system of beliefs on an anachronistic work of fiction, about events which happened thousands of years ago. It's this blind belief in religious texts which leads people to maintain ridiculous convictions like the Earth is 6,000 years old. But trying to convince people not to take the Bible literally and derisively poking holes in these flimsy works of fiction is not the raison d'être of this article. I believe that battle has already been won. What's more fun is to take the ethos of living your life by a story and to pick another work of fiction to lead your life by.
This phenomena is by no means confined to old books. Modern history has seen just as many examples of people coming up with works of the most incredible nonsense to define the parameters of their lifestyle. Hitler did it with Mein Kampf. Marx and Engels did it with the Communist Manifesto. Unwittingly, L. Ron Hubbard did it with Dianetics. I'm am merely the most recent in this very long line of idiots.
Unfortunately I have neither the time nor the inclination to write a whole book. But the Gods of post-stucturalism are full-square behind my mission to find a book which I can redefine to mean whatever the hell I deem it to.
I'll cut to the chase. The book I have chosen is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I picked it because it's well known, it's popular, it has a lot of messages, and even if you haven't read it you've probably seen Jonny Depp's appauling portrayal of Willy Wonka in Tim Burton's terrible remake of a film which wasn't very good the first time round. What follows is an air-tight system of beliefs which I drew from my thorough analysis of its content.
Charlie Bucket and his parents live in a some horrible little tumble-down house, with four elderly relatives. The primary wage earner is Mr. Bucket, whose job consists of putting tops on toothpaste bottles. His meagre earnings means that they all live in extreme poverty. Poverty which, perhaps, could be overcome if Mr and Mrs Bucket's parents would hurry up and die already. This is a clear allusion to the overpopulation of the planet. People are living longer and becoming an ever increasing drain on resources. I have inferred from this that population control is essential, and from this we can glean that stuff like AIDS, morbid rampant obesity and starvation are all part of His plan to push back the shore of ever increasing seas of people.
The children who go to visit Mr. Wonka are analogous to the new 5 deadly sins;
Augustus Gloop: Gluttony
Mike Teavee: Laziness
Veruca Salt: Being bratty
Violet Beauregarde: Overly-ambitious
Charlie: Poor
The first four children all met their ends because of the sins that they represent. By the end of the book, Charlie had overcome his dismal existence by shedding himself of his awful, refugee-like lifestyle. He stopped being poor, and started being happy. Ergo, greed is good.
Willy Wonka is the deity at the centre of the book. Much like the Gods of every other religion, Willy Wonka is imaginary and entirely fictional. My new life will be entirely reasonable and rational. In the character of Willy Wonka, Roald Dahl is clearly alluding to some actual person who is my new God; the person I look to for strength in times of need. Willy Wonka is enigmatic, elusive, a bit paedofiley, and his cholesterol is probably through the roof. I can think of only one person that this could possibly be. From this day forward, I will devote myself to the KFC guy.
Now onto the Oompa-Loompas. The Loompas were led away from their native home to the promised land which was, of course, his chocolate factory. On this pilgrimage it seems as if Willy Wonka in His infinite goodness, has saved the Loompas from a very real hell. Or has He? What are their opportunities for promotion? When was their last pay increase? Have they been told they can't unionise? They are living lives of complete subjugation under a glass ceiling they can't even perceive. But. They're small. They're orange. They're different. The implication is that this is something they deserve. Colonel Sanders is obviously in favour of slavery.
Now, how should I behave to my fellow man? Willy Wonka did an incredibly generous thing by opening His factory to a group of children and offering His chocolate empire to the most deserving. What have we learned from this? That it's nice to be nice to other people? That kindness is its own reward? No. None of these. Those wretched children were guests and caused thousands of pounds worth of damage to a state of the art factory. What did Willy Wonka get from the whole endeavour? An astronomical repair bill, and custody of a malnourished child, a man with no ambition, a woman with zero culinary skills, and four pensioners all one cold winter away from death. Do you know how expensive a funeral is, let alone four?! The lesson here is to look out for number one. Willy Wonka did everything in his power to ensure the survival of his business, so that the people of the world could continue to eat His, apparently quite good, chocolate, and now look at the mess He's in.
So if I have to sum up my new lifestyle in eight sentences, here they are. Slavery is OK. Small people are creepy. KFC is heavenly. Johnny Depp sucks. Old people are a burden. Children are good for nothing. You are the only important thing in your life. Being nice gets you nowhere.
Now I've got all that straightened out, I'll get on with overhauling my life. Forget Christians, Muslims, Seeks and all that other made-up trash. Cut me open and I bleed chocolate. Until the sweet release of death, I pledge spend the rest of my life trying to be the world's biggest Wonker.
